What The Hell Do They Feed Kids In Russia?

Meet Nikolay Valuev. He's the new SEVEN FOOT TALL, 330lb WBA Heavyweight Champion. He beat John Ruiz (6'2", 240lbs) by split decision on Saturday. You can see why they call him the "Beast of the East". The dude has a melon the size of a large medicine ball and he makes Ruiz look like a 4th grader by comparison.

I'm just curious what they fed this guy when he was growing up. Miracle Grow? Steroids? Human growth hormone? Plutonium? Perhaps he grew up in a house that was nestled in between a nuclear waste dump and a large number of power lines?

He looks like the missing link, for cripes sake. I think he's got more hair on his back and shoulders than he does on his head. Just wax that shit, dude. I'm pretty sure nobody in their right mind would call you gay if you did it. You're probably safe on that one.



I won't point out the obvious comparisons to Rocky IV either. Ivan Drago has nothing on Nikolay Valuev. I hope Nikolay has better taste in women than Drago did in that movie though. (Off topic: Bridget Nielsen looks terrible these days. Has anybody ever seen her on the Surreal Life making out with Flava Flav? Bizarre, to say the least.)

Anyway...Nikolay - wax that animal pelt off of your back. And I'll give a dollar to anybody with enough balls to call him gay for doing so.